You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese."
-Chris Rock

"A guy know's he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."
-Tim Allen

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor


"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
-Henny Youngman

"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."
-Bob Hope

"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair."
-Thom Sharp

"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50."
-Jay Leno

"I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not."
-Fran Lebowitz

"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend."
-Zenna Schaffer

"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woddy Allen

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them."
-Bette Midler

"I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time."
-Marilyn Monroe

"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better."
-Maureen Murphy

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
-Sam Levenson

"If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?"
-Vince Lombardi



Guys, thank you for visiting my blog. Apparently, some people think that above one liners are not funny. I think they are funny, clean and witty. That's why I posted them on my blog. And I am sure there aren't any misquote. Anyway, thanks for visiting and leaving comments. :) Maybe Rodney Dangerfield can make funnier one liners. Read on.

Rodney Dangerfield 1 Liners


I know what day of the week you were born. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.


A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.


During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."


It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.


I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.