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Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife & fork?
~ Stanislaw Lec ~

My mom was a ventriloquist & she always
was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought
the dog was telling me to kill my father
~ Wendy Leibman ~

There is a fine line between fishing and
just standing on the shore like an idiot
~ Stephen Wright ~

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head
together and your body starts falling apart
~ Caryn Leschen ~

The closest sound to Roseanne Barr's singing
the national Anthem was my cat being neutered
~ Johnny Carson ~

I'd like to get married again, but I'm afraid
of that marital commitment-we're talking two,
three years of my life
~ Maura Kennedy ~

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts
~ Stephen Wright ~

I would never do crack...I would never do a
drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
~ Denis Leary ~

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves
a lot of expense and aggravation later in life
~ Robert Byrne ~